I do. I sure do, in sickness and health, in good times and in bad, in success or failure and in joy as well as in sorrow. However all of this is subject to a teeny tiny asterisk, marking the terms and conditions that come in package with it.
Je t’aime…Life! My amour.
However, I can’t escape this nagging feeling that I don’t get to love you as much as I would. It seems living with you and loving you a task “burdened” with multiple roles and wanting. Each making our romance one filled with such ordeals that I may be coerced into thinking, do we really love each other as passionately as we think we do.
“Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms”. ~Khalil Gibran
I am sure he didn’t live in our situation or I don’t understand what our love is all about. I guess I should begin from the beginning to understand how I fell in love with you and how I seem to be in the state that I…well, seem to be in.
It was a coy start. I remained cocooned till I collected myself and was ready to put my best head…eh foot forward. You were there at the end of the beginning, beckoning me to come. You lured me out. There I was a bundle of unspeakable happiness in my parents’ hands having my first real good look at you. The joy that you brought with your enticing made me fall in love at first sight. I will never forget how you looked at me, reassuring me that this was the better end. You made me the reason of elation, of celebration of satisfaction and mercy. If you could make me do this, I knew you were someone I wouldn’t ever want to let go.
Little by little, day by day, you only brought me in acquaintance with awe and wonder, with adventure and risk, with love and bonding and with spirituality and consciousness.
Every day from then just followed with uninhibited meetings and brushes with you. Little did we know that this was the foundation of a love so strong that come what may nothing could uproot. But then again one can never be sure.
I got rushes every time that I was hand in hand with you. You took me along the fun and the games and the learning and growing. Candidly, we breezed along, till there came a point when I became “mature”. When I realized that my free will was only leading me to causing displeasure and discomfort. My spontaneity was only adding to fixes from which I couldn’t squeeze out of without alterations to me. You seem to have started playing hide-and-seek. And this led to our first lover’s tiff. With all that I was getting into, lifestyle changes, attitude changes and expression changes, you also decided to be the icing on my cake. I couldn’t understand you anymore. From enticing me to free will you were now asking me to succumb to people, places and systems. There were now two of me functioning. The one which you were leading to nirvana, and the one that you were leading into shackles. Little by little, day by day you only strengthened the shackles. Chaining me to the decorum of the society and system that I was living in. I was now a slave of the system. Going in day in day out with the monotony like that of a housefly. Insignificant and very very dull…
Anger and frustration built up. I did not know what to and how to deal with this sudden deluge of conformity. It was suddenly goodbye to all things that were dear to me. And above all it was suddenly a separation from you. I was at the mercy of my emotions. I was succumbing to the sin of anger. I hated everything. And this only led to indulgence of things I would be later ashamed of and I was. With you not the same that you were, I was suddenly this river which had lost its way in the desert. Rapidly drying up, desperately hunting for a reservoir of safety. I presumed you didn’t love me anymore. All our times together were merely things to do to get by. And this is when I found something which led me back. It was my anchor which weighed me down from drifting into the sea of endless despair and doom.
I met God. I was suddenly in a different plane. It was like opium rush through me. It was an inexplicable elevation. Breaking away from all that was there and I realized that I can’t give up like this. It brought me to embrace our love again. I began to understand our amour. It was not about companionship. You were trying to lead me on, I just wasn’t ready to follow you along like I used to.
“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.” ~Khalil Gibran
Mind, body and soul I connected with you. Just when I was ready to renounce this world and you is when God salvaged my adrift soul. I was now able to see a different perspective. Our love was now truly cemented. Changes which I was hesitant to accept now made sense. I was apprehensive on making a choice, taking up a stance. I felt I had lost all power over myself. And that’s when I realized;
“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.” ~ Blaine Lee
I made the choice. I took myself back in control. And I am trying to keep the power in my hands. Its new, its raw and needs a lot of getting used to, but then again wasn’t it like this before too? Except perhaps I didn’t so consciously have to make those decisions. And now that I’m doing, I still have my doubts but I am now standing with renewed vigour and outlook. I want different things now. I wasn’t ready for that deluge of challenges that the world rained down on me. Now I stand with a new definition of success, love and dreams.
The road down spiritual awakening is alone and tough which is what puts doubts. However now that I look back I wouldn’t want to change a thing. That’s primarily because I wouldn’t have learnt the lessons I did. I wouldn’t have been so sure of our love as I am now. My doubts about our future are gradually fading into the black of our past. I wouldn’t like to sound too excited lest I cast an evil eye on our love, but I can assure you that I am definitely going to be around. I want to leave with having achieved a purpose and you alone are going to be the sole catalyst in my reactions to the world.
I would like to reach the pinnacles of success, but not in the way the masses perceive, the following sums it up beautifully;
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
And that is when I will stop living but not loving you. Our clandestine love shall never be known but will always keep my flame in this world burning bright.